WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning breach of tradition, the U.S. Congress inadvertently passed actual legislation Tuesday after participating in a Vermont-style Town Meeting simulation.

The exercise, intended as a harmless cultural exchange, devolved into uncharacteristic productivity after lawmakers sat in folding chairs, drank local cider, and were required to speak without interrupting each other.

“We thought it was role-play,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “But before we knew it, someone proposed a bill, there was a civil discussion, and then — God help us — we voted on it.”

The legislation, a bipartisan infrastructure package to replace bridges, broadband, and dignity, passed 423–12 after an impassioned 6-minute speech from Rep. Peter Welch, who began by thanking everyone for the homemade muffins.

“I think we were all just confused,” admitted Senator Ted Cruz. “I kept waiting for the part where we yell at each other on cable news.”

The transformation reportedly began when Vermont State Rep. Marge Tillingham of Barnard handed out a sample agenda titled “Fix Stuff Without Being a Jerk.” Several lawmakers attempted to add poison-pill amendments but were quickly told to “sit down, and wait their turn” by a stern Vermont librarian who was observing.

Senator Bernie Sanders refused to comment but was seen grinning and handing out flannel vests with the slogan: “Democracy is a Potluck.”

The simulation was so successful that a new congressional dress code was floated, requiring L.L. Bean boots and mandatory decaf. AOC proposed a House-wide knitting circle as “an icebreaker and a metaphor.”

“It turns out when you remove lobbyists, time limits, and televised grandstanding, people remember they’re adults,” noted Vermont Governor Phil Scott. “This is how we decide school budgets, snow plow routes, and which barn gets fixed next.”

Senator Mitch McConnell later claimed he “blacked out somewhere around the apple crumble” and woke up in a signed coalition agreement with Elizabeth Warren and a retired dairy farmer named Ed.

The bill is now expected to stall in the Senate, where the rules committee has objected to the use of folding chairs due to “lack of lumbar support.”

“I don’t know what just happened,” said Rep. Jim Jordan, looking dazed. “But I think we governed.”

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